The Onion

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Joined November 11, 2019

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Report: Carrying Around Boombox On Shoulder Still Coolest Thing Most Americans Can Imagine

NEW YORK—Citing data provided by a focus group of over 100,000 people across all demographics, a new report published Mond...

KitchenAid Unveils New Lobster Sedation Kit To Reduce Cruelty Of Boiling Them Alive

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Advertised as an essential home appliance for any seafood lover, KitchenAid unveiled Monday the latest a...

‘Hey, I Think You’re Muted,’ Man Tells Coworker Screaming ‘Fuck You, Fuck All Of You’ On Zoom Call

SAN DIEGO—Noticing the woman’s lips appeared to be moving during the afternoon Zoom meeting, local man David Keely said “H...

Defeated Player Vows To Log Back Onto ‘League Of Legends’ Early Tomorrow Morning When Most Teens Haven’t Woken Up

RENO, NV—Following yet another brutal blowout at the hands of his rival participants, local League Of Legends player Tom S...

Trump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus Deaths

WASHINGTON—Placing an anonymous phone call to report a foul smell emitting from the National Institute of Allergy and Infe...

Trump Commutes Sentence for Roger Stone

President Trump on Friday commuted the 40-month prison sentence of political ally Roger Stone, who was set to report to fe...

Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

BRUNSWICK, ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits, ornithologists at Bowdoin College r...

Physicists Hail Major Breakthrough After Discovering Neutrinos Just Little Italian Neutrons

CHICAGO—Confirming the search for the mysterious Godfather particle was finally over, physicists at the University of Chic...

Florida Shatters Daily Coronavirus Infection Record

Florida officials reported over 15,300 new Covid-19 cases on Sunday, surpassing New York’s record of 12,000 in April, whil...

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